Thursday, January 31, 2008

back~ restless again

finally able to bring bb into my room n she is slpin well now on my bed. its been 2weeks since she slp on my bed cz hubby dio chicken pox. she had a hard time to adapt to e study room n slping in e yao lan n now she canot get used to our room.. sian..

scientific term is colic, pandang term is 'dirty tings'. duno y ever since she slp study room, she couldnt slp well. had a tough hard putting her to slp for several nights n mil helpin mi. even now she oso lidat. duno y.. n it makes mi v paiseh to hav mil to take care of her e whole nite, causin her not enuf rest while she ask mi to go back room n slp. i tried my best to comfort bb yet i failed, sian..but this time i nv throw temper hor...

cz tt fri aft my hubby dio ckn pox n i havin high fever, i m reali very tired of taking care of bb. i supposed to go irene house for bbq, sth tt i looked forward to as i havent go out to meet frenz aft 1 month. den yet, he got e pox n i had fever. worst is, i hav to take care of bb despite my fever. felt so giddy n sick when i get up n down to attend to her. finally i began to breakdown. tt nite, mil they all juz step out e house, she cried, cry n cry non stop. feed her liao oso cry. i hav to iron clothes, wanna c tv, hungry yet she dun giv mi a min of peace. hubby cant help as he had e pox, n i realli blow my temper. i beat her i yao her hard hard to make her quiet yet i fail. i noe i m rough but i m realli out of my wit. in e end i burst into tears aft 3+hrs n went to hubby. he den call his mom to come home faster. n they let mi rest for e nite.

i had more rest yet i still not feelin welll physically n mentally. sat nite, i was 39.8deg liao yet i m taking care of her. realli v sian of my life at tt pt of time yet i nv tell anione abt my fever. i even wrote my yi yan in my sms, so tt aniting happen to mi e next morn, at least i had my last words. but aft i sweat it out, i felt better. but next morn i kp dazing ard. mind blank blank duno wat to do. when everyone went out i breakdown in study room. in e end i tell hubby i wanna go home find my mum. he allow mi. so i went back to complaint everything to my mum. tink my 1st time crying in front of her to tell her my probs. i dun wan to let her worry for mi but i realli cant stand it. happened tt 4th sis called home so i complain to her too. next day 3rd sis call to see how m i. this is wat i meant by family warmth. sth i nv felt in here. i felt much better aft e visit n nv throw temper at bb animore, instead i sayang her more.. it realli makes a diff...

i had a tok w hubby 2days ago, tellin mi wat i hav done rite n wrong. disagreed w some of e points. n most imprtly, all e comments is by him n not his mum lo. make mi misundestood her. duno y ppl say tings w/o telling us hu r e ones saying it. his sis oso, sometimes she too blunt till she hurts mi. n i duno she tellin mi how she tink or mil ask her to tell mi. tue mi n hubby went out cut hair n buy his clothes. oni went out 2hrs, sis call to ask us faster eat n come home. say bb kp crying. make mi gan chiong. aft tt meet his cousin for dinner. 6+pm, his sis called again, rushin us back. in my heart, i tinkin worrying wat went wrong, y she kp rushing mi. i wanna go bk but hubby say nvm. but icant shop in peace. tt time she oso say mi y i owas go out. she is young so i nv scold her. i owas go out? is goin to causeway pt consider goin out? i go out to buy food n cny clohtes lo... furthest i went is my amk house n tt orchard shopping, n no more.. i nv scold her y out of 7 days they owas went out at nite for abt 4-5days. hu r e ones hu owas go out? suan le, she is young...

it juz pressure mi at times. dao di his mum ok tt i go out or she not happi. can i go out anot. when can i finally meet frenz to go out? i hav no freedom now. so wat shd i do? told hubby i wanna try bring bb out to causeway to tryout, he said sure fail cz bb sure cry. den how? i go out alone later kena call back home, go out w bb scare she cry, den in e end i m stuck at home.

i still hav many to say... i waited so long tt i can use my pc in e room n bb slpin well. miss all these times... wondering how i gonna handle my life when i return to work. hubby oso noe its unfair to mi for taking care of bb. even say y not i go work n he take care of bb. in my heart i wanted to say tt i rather tt way. at least i go home straight n seldom go out aft work. but suan le, i decide not to say it out, even ask him y still contact tt bitch. i nv trust tt bitch. now we r married n got bb, y still contact my hubby, be it hu contact hu 1st. told mi nv see him again, in e end, still see.. now aft 1+yr still contact. hubby oso noe i hate her to core but y still contact her. told him straight tt i dun like it. but i doubt he will listen n stay away frm her. so i purposely tell him tt i still miss my ex, which is e truth. since he can contact someone i hate, y for i care for his feelings when i tok abt my ex. mayb he feel nth at all. so sian of this life... y even my bb oso dun listen to mi n b gd. siansian sian.... wat hav i done so wrong in my previous life to make my life miserable now? so wat i trying to b gd.. i nv kill a mosquito for more den 10yrs (not kiddin), see ants drowning in water tt i accidentally spill on, i faster take tissue to save them. i nv kill insects on purpose n if i can save i save them. but wat for? save them doesnt make my life good... i hate my life now~!!! no freedom~!!

I WAS HERE @ 12:29 PM l 0Comment